Second-hand updates

Sorry I can't provide more of the tasty emails. There were a few weeks of off-the-market recharging, then some isolated dates where responses came either on the spot or in IMs.

An example of the latter came about two weeks after a casual "my gang and I will be at this bar to see another friend perform -- come on out" first meet with someone I had really amusing and clever (to be clear: I mean on her part) chats with online. So I went out to the bar and had a good time meeting her friends, learning about all their art projects, even getting a few isolated minutes here and there to talk w/ her. Well, shout. It was loud in there. Didn't feel like a date, but was tons of fun.

After she got back from a road trip, I saw she was online, and asked her how she was, and suggested we catch up sometime. She wrote back, "Remember what we were saying about girls who said they wanted to be friends?" Uhhhm. "I don't want to waste your time, but I didn't feel that kind of connection."

All fair enough, and I told her -- honestly -- that I appreciated the forthrightness and full disclosure. And I didn't feel quite a part of her posse, though I'd like to get more inspired to do things like public art projects based on discarded hardware. And I didn't feel that kind of connection either. Or that it had really been a date.

But still, she's cool and smart and funny, and there are too few of those people. Regardless of the Lurve Connection or lack thereof, it'd be nice to have her as a person I could say hey to on occasion, go see what they're doing. And maybe I'm being an old softie, but after interacting to even that degree with a nice/cool/interesting person, I do feel some attachment, concern for that person. So it's sad to see that discarded.

Or maybe I'm being far too sensitive and self-pitying. This isn't rejection. What do you think? Been in a similar situation?

It Goes Both Ways

A female friend sent in this:

"X, you are a very cool girl, and there aren't that many out there right now. The other night hanging out with you was great, but I didn't feel a spark. You know? It did feel like being around an old friend and I would really love for that to continue.


I hope that your[sic] not upset but I do really like you [...]. I'll be up until 12 if you want to chat. I still do.

Y"

This was after a second date, where moves could have been made.

My guess? He, like many guys, could be anxious that she might take physicality on the second date as meaning "okay, we're a couple!" Unfounded, but I've had such repercussions; not that it necessarily isn't a relationship but it's a bit scary when one side jumps into such as assumption unilaterally.

After a second date, which also seemed to go well

This from a woman who is married in a poly situation, where he is also prone to hook-ups.

"Dear Secundus,

I had a really good time with you on Saturday night and was glad you introduced me to [bar name]. I wanted to be upfront with you though that I really don't think there is enough chemistry netween us to continue dating. You are a good looking guy and I'm glad we've met but I just don't think it would work between us. As you know I have a very full life and I don't want to just play the dating game but to meet someone who knocks me off my feet and who I can form a lasting relationship with.

I really hope you find someone as I think you are a great person, just not the right one for me. Please feel free to keep in touch.

Hugs"

And as we were kissing, I was realizing how nice it was to have flesh-to-flesh contact again. Do I need to start sending out a "what were you looking for that wasn't there" survey?

Even with multiple targets, sort of

This from a woman I met at a poly dating thing (it was so Berkeley, but she was quite cool).

"Hi Secundus,
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. We had an event at work that took up much of my time last week.

I've been mulling over this idea of dating, and to be honest, it's still not clicking for me. I can't get past the reminds-me-of-an-ex thing I mentioned. It was lovely to meet you, and I'm sure you will soon be well entrenched in various poly relationships."

Here's another one, just two or three weeks prior, after what seemed like a nice date, with both of us learning closer and closer in the bar (which wasn't that noisy):

"Hey Secundus --
Work has been crazy and I've been skipping my personal email for about 3 days. Sorry for my delay.

I like to take a couple days to let a new date settle in before making any decisions about how I feel--in the middle of things, I tend to just go along with what I think is the easiest course of action. At this point, thinking back to Monday evening, I have to say that I didn't feel *that* kind of spark with you; I would hate to waste your time (or mine) because I didn't tell you how I was really feeling. While I would be happy to spend time with you, I don't feel that romance is in the cards for us.

I hope things are going well for you and that you meet the perfect special someone (perhaps you have already met her since your last email to me? the world moves quickly sometimes).

-J"

First post, last letter

I'm starting this blog as a repository for all the letters (electronic or otherwise) people receive from those who, after a first date, are trying to signal nicely that they'd rather have their hair done by a chainsaw, with a dry from an aged perv's panting, than go on a second date.

Here's one:

"Secundus,
Thank you for taking time to meet me. Just wanted to let you know that I am happily seeing someone else.
Good luck to you,
V"

Notice the "good luck to you". This or variants on it will be a recurring trope; the message is that the writer sees no future interaction.